guabancex

Stupes!

2005-06-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

The kind people at Blogger have resuscitated this blog. Excellent. The thing is, I've been squatting over at The Guabancex Blog for a week now and don't feel inclined to move back.

Weekly Gouranga OR Why I might move to Norway

2005-05-23T07:01:00.000-04:00

This week's Gouranga entry is yet another sing-a-long. Why? Because sing-a-longs are fun, that's why. I've attempted to faithfully transcribe the lyrics, 'cause I have no life, which may be found HERE.

Now for your viewing and listening pleasure, this blog presents Norwegian soldiers doing a politically incorrect parody of the Beach Boys' classic, Kokomo. (This is sure to piss off an entire herd of you.) Click the PIC to begin. (Having trouble? Try this LINK from Big-boys.com.)

It's stuck in your head now, isn't it?

Things to do when you're bored...

2005-05-22T13:17:00.000-04:00

Rent a German.

You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience:
Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center.

No matter which occasion you choose, you will surely impress your environment by presenting an original German.

How about this guy?

M.Meyer, aged 61, businessman

Safety 101: Part Deux (w/ heavy 'Nooky Handbook' potential)

2005-05-21T07:53:00.000-04:00

To avoid injury and/or embarassing supermarket incidents always read the instructions.

...a 33-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after...she became "so aroused by the 2½-inch vibrating bullet inside that she fainted" then "fell against shelves and banged her head". This prompted the attendance of the paramedics who "found the black leatherette panties still buzzing"...For the record, Ann Summers notes that Passion Pants are "Not for internal use".

Safety 101: Part Un

2005-05-21T01:16:00.000-04:00

People, I've warned you about this sort of thing before; but let's have a refresher course, shall we? Aerosol pesticide + enclosed area + electrical device = BIG BOOM

Walter Mueller, 36, from Schleswig-Holstein, closed the windows of his apartment, set about the six-legged critters with said spray, and then sat down for a quick surf. The resulting blast blew out all the windows, throwing debris up to 100 metres. Several neighbouring flats were also damaged although no-one – Mueller included – was seriously hurt.

Imperfect Recall

2005-05-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

A little while back the maternal unit and I had one of our perennial discourses on the growing suckiness of children's television of late Vis-à-vis the golden years, i.e., my childhood. This trip down memory lane was precipitated by the mildly infamous Mana-mana post. So we're chatting amiably, over cup cake batter, about how Barney et al can't hold a candle to the Muppets, Mr Rogers and Jeremy. Who, you ask? Jeremy. You know the little brown bear? The stop animation show with the charming theme song that went something like:

I'm a bear called Jeremy
I can do most anything
Mmm, mmm, mmm
Little tunes like Do Re Mi
Mmm, something, something…

Okay, right, you see the problem. Neither of us can remember the song, we just know I loved the show, which has apparently disappeared into the ether.

My love affair with the little brown bear was tantalizingly brief. I fell for him during a brief sojourn in North America. We, the maternal unit and I, had gone 'away' for medical reasons. She was deathly ill and I was quite young. That diminutive bear was of immense comfort to me during those critical months and now I've almost forgotten him. Does anyone else remember Jeremy?

PSA

2005-05-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

This is for my well meaning 'friends' who feel compelled to forward every single syrupy and or vaguely threatening email message they receive to me. (The rest of you can ignore this post and go HERE instead.) Since you, my darlings, have wilfully chosen to ignore my previous attempts at subtlety click the pic for some straight talk.

(Found via Greg's World)

I've got it!

2005-05-19T16:35:00.000-04:00

That's right, I done what the cricket pundits couldn't. I've solved the mystery of why the Windies can't win a match to save their own lives. At fault is the extreme booty shaking action in the stands. Yup the real culprits are the Carib Girls, seen below, and their accomplicies the Digicel Girls.

From the right: Kissa, Morisa, Jenna, Maya, Takyah, Crystal and Stacey.
After all, our boys in maroon can't be held responsible for their poor, erm, performance with those kinds of distractions. Now, can they?

Weird Science: Remote chicken fondling…

2005-05-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

So, would you like to pet my chicken?

Oh go on, you know you want to; besides after that mule girlfriend flap this is chicken feed. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.) But seriously folks, there are some potentially interesting non-porn related applications of virtual poultry molestation.

Researchers have developed a cybernetic system to allow physical interaction over the internet. The system allows touching and feeling of animals or other humans in real time, but it's first being tried out on -- chickens.

Whadya think?

2005-05-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

A militant No Pants Day observant...

...or a LAN party gone way, way, wrong?

Gratituous kitty pic

2005-05-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

A place for everything and everything in it's place.

Your Benjamins

2005-05-17T09:58:00.000-04:00

This blog is not just about the yucks we want to help you cope with the mundane trials of life, like affordable housing, for example. Today we present the case of a young man who by keeping an open mind was able to come up with a creative solution to his problem.

A Ninja Pays Half My Rent by Steven K. Tsuchida

Comment: This short is especially successful due to its superb use of 2 ninjas and a big fluffy kitty.

Option Four: Laughing yoga?!

2005-05-16T17:06:00.000-04:00

This involves cackling maniacally and reciting the following:

I'm happy, I'm relaxed,
I'm happy, I'm relaxed,
I'm happy, I'm relaxed,
Boo-boo boo-boo-boo,
Boo-boo boo-boo-boo,
Boooooo!

For a video demonstration of this technique, click HERE.

Warning!: Side effects include increased irritation in non-practitioners and a heightened tendency towards violence directed, in particular, at the yogi. While this blogger admits to grave reservations over the efficacy of this option; she acknowledges that there may be those amongst you who may feel that this therapy suits you. Should this be the case, see Option Two.

Clickez-Ici:

2005-05-16T00:32:00.000-04:00

The art of Andy Goldsworthy

Option Three:

2005-05-15T01:15:00.000-04:00

If Options One or Two don't spin your flywheel, might I suggest cheap drugs?

...caffeine--or 1,3,7,-Trimethylxanthine, as it's scientifically known--does more than keep coffee-houses perking. It's used to treat apnea, migraines, even acne. And it reduces the number of fatal car accidents...in fact…a team of Harvard researchers recently suggested that a jolt of java might prevent suicide.

Yes I! So whether you're a purist or you drink the chichi sort; go ahead, pour another one. Don't let any of "them" tell you, you have a problem. That left eyelid twitch is totally worth it. Wear Depends underwear if you have to. I'm on my fifth 16oz mug of the day and I feel great! Just don't do this…

That's just nasty.

I'm a what?

2005-05-14T03:00:00.000-04:00

You are a Kitchen Knife.

You are a very aggressive person, not hesitating to make a fatal move in order to succeed. You are always aware of what is going on around you, though other people aren't. You are over-protective of some of your valued possessions, though you gamble to gain more. If someone gets in your way, you kill them. If you hate someone, they die. Well, not literally. People fear you for your skills and envy your success, but you don't care. You liked to be feared in order to gain reverence. You are the most powerful of all silverware, and cut up peoples souls. I mean food.

Most compatible with: Toothbrush

Hmmpf! Well of course, what else would I be? And a toothbrush would be what exactly?

He is a toothbrush.

He is a control freak. He loves to be in charge of everything, and likes to do things himself instead of indirectly. Hands-on projects are his favorite. He likes to accomplish things the hard way, even if it means getting dirty. He has high priorities and sets goals for his life, which will make him very successful. However, he will have to dig deep and get rid of all the crap people throw at him in order to have a promising future.

Most compatible with: Toilet Paper, and Windex. (Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?)

Anybody else see something amiss with that compatibility analysis?

Tales of litigiousness (And other foolishness)

2005-05-13T09:36:00.000-04:00

A news addict, it is well nigh impossible for me to avoid the increasing number of reports of frivolous lawsuits. Now, I'm not talking about the out right fraudulent claims, errant extremities not withstanding. Nope, I'm talking about these sorts:

• The ethics class cheater who is suing his university for re-instatement.
• The Russian astrologer who is suing NASA for upsetting the balance of the universe.
• And worst of all; television icon Wile E. Coyote, who sued ACME for USD17M in damages. The following is an excerpt from the opening statement made by the canine's legal counsel.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Upon reflection, I'm thinking he may have had a case there.

Clickez-Ici: Parenting 101

2005-05-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

Gang Photograpy - The work of Robert Yager

Oy vé, Anne Robinson’s a sweetheart…

2005-05-12T02:19:00.000-04:00

"Ladies and gentlemen!"
[Buzz of excitement.]

"Are you ready to RUUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE??!!"
[Viewers shuffle on respective sofas.]

"Tonight! Live and for your edification!"

"In the red corner, newly elected Respect MP George ‘congratulate me damnit’ Galloway."
[YEEEAAAAHHHH!!]

"And in the blue corner, the BBC’s Jeremy ‘da killa’ Paxman."
[YEEEAAAAHHHH!!]

"Gentlemen, begin!"

JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?

And so began one of the more astonishing exchanges seen on television. To see the entire ~~bout~~, er, interview CLICK HERE.

Option Two:

2005-05-11T09:27:00.000-04:00

If Dr. Usui's suggestions don't work...

... you can always call the Irish Mental Health Hotline.

Option One:

2005-05-11T09:23:00.000-04:00

Just for today, do not worry.
Just for today, do not anger.
Honor your parents, teachers, and elders.
Earn your living honestly.
Show gratitude to everything.

Dr. Mikao Usui

Weekly Gouranga...(Antidote for that cannibals post.)

2005-05-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, next time someone gets all blasé on you and bemoans the cultural homogenisation of planet just yell "YATTA" at them. (NSFW? Six skinny Japanese guys dancing around in their undies?)

Apparently "Yatta!" translates to "We did it!" Did what you ask? Who cares, whatever it was they're awfully happy about it.

Bye the way, if you want to re-play the video; to you know, sing along maybe; the lyrics can be found here.

Whadya think?

2005-05-09T12:01:00.000-04:00

Making friends...

...or formulating a plan?

Cannibals amongst us?

2005-05-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

This is getting to be an habitual thing, this rash of people eating. Armin Meiwes is to be retried for the whole 'ooh let me eat you 'cause it's so sexy' thing. (I've got several pictures of him but I'm not going to sully this blog with his twisted mug.) The prosecutors in that case were apparently as ticked off as myself that he'd only netted 8 ½ years the first time around. Excellent, do what you have to do fair jurists.

I’d have rather forgotten about the whole sordid affair, willing victim and all; but then the copy cats started getting press of their own. The other German cannibal, Ralf M, bagged his vic, a "svelte man, around 30, for a holiday roast dinner", via an online personals ad as well. His trial began earlier this month.

I’d like to consider myself a fairly tough broad with a cast iron stomach to boot; so I tried taking these horrific reports in stride. After all a certain amount of aberrant behaviour is to be expected in any society, otherwise there would be no need for jurisprudence or insane asylums. Right?

Well here’s my problem, Meiwes asserts that there are hundreds of people practicing cannibal sex in Germany alone. Hundreds. My over active imagination finds it all too easy to do a world-wide extrapolation entirely unfettered by scientific data. Given that I'm a magnet for the psychopathically inclined, I may have already met a few. And yes, oddly enough, I’m of a mind to believe him. Why? Well, whatever faults you may lay at this man’s feet, dishonesty doesn’t appear to be one of them. He has been disturbingly forthright about his crimes and motivations.

Then whilst a-googlin' I found this:

Two brothers have been arrested and charged with murdering 13 prostitutes, slicing up their bodies and eating their kidneys in a 15-month crime spree across northern China...

I find myself asking the question; is cannibalism, never mind eroto-cannibalism, on the rise or are we just more likely to hear of such cases given increased accessibility to world media? So I went a-googlin’ again, but this time for cannibalism rates.

I found nothing. Let me clarify. I found scads of data on the cannibalistic tendencies of wolf spiders and catfish, but nothing on homo sapiens; other than rehashed speculation on the culinary peculiarities of tribal peoples and an article on a certain squabble which is entirely too close to home, and which I'm trying to ignore.

So lacking a statistical framework from within which I could neatly dismiss this unsettling business, I plodded on and hit pay gore with Katherine Ramsland's All about Issei Sagawa. It's a rough read and you won't feel any better for it afterwards.

53rd Commandment: Thou shall not blog-whore

2005-05-08T06:01:00.000-04:00

What happens when you succumb to your albeit repressed but immodest blog promotion tendencies; and sign up for a dodgy traffic swap scheme, which has taken possession of your browser? You get karmic justice in the form of email like this:

From: some_guy@some_place.com
To: never mind
Date: May 8, 2005 12:50 AM
Subject: Hi D, Your Mega Seminar Date and Schedule Information...

Hi D,

I have some exciting news to share with you.

Okay. I’m always up for good news since those sons of fatherless goats lost again.

I will be speaking at the Mega Seminar this July, 16-17th. I would love for you to attend. Let's get to meet in person one and for all :)

Eh! What? Just who the heck is…oh…that guy.

I know, you may be expecting to pay $2997 to
attend. But...
You do not have to pay $2997
or $1997,
or $1497...

I’m thinking I don’t have to pay jack for jack, is what I’m thinking.

You don't have to pay even
$1197, or $997.00

Where is the bloody unsubscribe link?

Not even $797, $697....
.... not even $597...

So how much is it, then? I don’t even have to pay $597 for WHAT?

The best value you may ever see to attend and offline seminar event is right here. Aren't you due for a vacation?

You call that a vacation? I’m still pissed off from trying to uninstall your foofing tool bar. (Note to Mr Mystic: It would appear that to experience the full potential of the term ‘foofy’ one must of necessity conjugate it. Hence, the present continuous form of the verb ‘to foof’, i.e. ‘foofing’; which for some odd reason seems to be much more satisfying than the adjectival form ‘foofy’.)

Wouldn't you want to meet all the other marketers?

No! Absolutely not. I’m not fond of people in general and really don’t like people who are trying to sell me vague stratagems. Which by the way are what?

Wouldn't you love to have dinner next to some of the top names. Network.. and more?

Dinner? Well...

All in the great state of Colorado :)

Hmm, I’ve never been to Colorado. Are the guys cute? No, no, no…not listening.

Well, please check out a few things…
go here now:
http://www.some_place.com/HearSomeGuy.htm
Listen to my message...

Oh no you don’t. It's probably rife with subliminal foofiness.

Then click on "Audio MP3 Event Previews" to hear some great calls of the speakers.
Then click on "Your Coaching Staff" to get all the details of the event.

Thanks,
Some Guy

Foof off! Delete Forever.

Moving Pictures

2005-05-07T11:51:00.000-04:00

Neuro

Zoomquilt

And for the evil-genius-wannabees who say I've gone soft, what with all the gouranganess this past week:

End Of The World

FYI - It's No Pants Day!

2005-05-06T01:13:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer:
This blog accepts neither responsibility nor liability for any damage to self-esteem, loss of employment, or physical injury arising out of participation in No Pants Day festivities. Any actions of the reader in conjunction with or consequent to observance of No Pants Day shall be attributed to the reader.

Life's simple pleasures…

2005-05-06T00:38:00.000-04:00

Anyone who’s visited this blog more than once knows at least two things; that this is hardly the place for serious debate and that I rarely share specifics about myself, cricket rants not withstanding. I will, however, share this; I don’t get sport hunting and/or fishing.

Don’t bother leaving comments slamming me for my leftist PETA-esque tendencies or extolling the virtues of the great outdoors and a high-powered rifle. Any scenario involving Dorna in the wilds with a semi-automatic weapon (for sporting purposes only) can have only one result; that of her succumbing to a self-inflicted gun shot wound while violently defending herself from killer bugs. Sorry, it’s of no use; I'm firmly of the “if you don't need it to survive leave the frelling animal alone” camp; which means I find the following hilarious:

In homage to Bert and Ernie’s "Heeeere fishy fishy fishy!" bit; an Aussie fisherman, of the recreational ilk, gets decked by a 1.5m mackerel.

"I remember it coming out the water and the next thing I knew I'm in the back of the boat winded, trying to get my breath…I remember thinking `What am I doing back here and how come I can't breathe?',"

And for good measure:

Ah yes, good times.

MORE- More than a little movie...

2005-05-05T06:27:00.000-04:00

What would you give to realise your life's passion? Just how much are you willing to sacrifice to have, MORE?

Watch this extraordinarily haunting Academy Award nominated short-film by Mark Osborne.

The music, I was happy to learn, is by New Order.

Meow, arf, whatever...

2005-05-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

James Auger former MIT lab rat and all around smart guy thinks he can improve on nature.

If nothing else, at least the Borg will get a hook-up with some uber pets.

More Gouranga...

2005-05-03T14:08:00.000-04:00

For Radmila et al)

Ladybug Picnic

You might want to go do something else while you wait for this to load, all 9.33MG of it.

Ah found me mah Gouranga!

2005-05-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

Mana-mana

Whadya think?

2005-05-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

Honor guard or buffet line?

Not panicking...

2005-05-02T11:16:00.000-04:00

The Hitchhiker movie is out in North American theatres; which means I have to wait a whole 2 months before one of the local TV stations airs a bootleg copy. In the meantime I'm still trying to beat that infernal game, with predictable results.

> walk south
Country Lane
The road runs from your home, to the north, toward the village Pub, to the west.
The bulldozer piles into the side of your home.

Your home collapses in a cloud of dust, and a stray flying brick hits you squarely on the back of the head. You try to think of some suitable last words, but what with the confusion of the moment and the spinning of your head, you are unable to compose anything pithy and expire in silence.
>like hell i did
You keep out of this, you're dead. An ambulance arrives.
> i'm not, i'm off to the pub
You keep out of this, you're dead and should be concentrating on developing a good firm rigor mortis. You are put in the ambulance, which drives away.
> shit
For a dead person you are talking too much. As the ambulance reaches the mortuary a fleet of Vogon Constructor ships unexpectedly arrives and demolishes the Earth to make way for a new hyperspace bypass.

We are about to give you your score. Put on your peril-sensitive sunglasses now. (Hit RETURN or ENTER when ready.)

For speedy death by air borne brick clickez ici.

2005-05-01T20:15:00.000-04:00

Clickez Ici...

Doorsteps

Gouranga Update…

2005-05-01T09:22:00.000-04:00

That’s right, spammage mystery solved; more importantly this guerrilla proselytising tactic seems to be working exceptionally well. You see, I got this Hare Krishna spam a while back, only I didn’t know it was Hare Krishna spam. It went something like this:

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

This of course resulted in the typical Dorna-esque response, “WTF?” Once I’d satisfied my baseline paranoia by running a few scans for unwanted nasties, I began to chuckle. This was the most intriguing spam I’d ever received. I sent it off to the maternal unit; she wasn’t amused and thought my titillation was further evidence of some inherited mental defect. One guess as to which side of the family she thinks the wayward gene came from.

Not to be dissuaded, why let a little maternal scorn get you down, I went a-googlin’. (Like that word, a-googlin’? I think it’s a keeper.) I found scores of other similarly bemused email recipients and this:

Gouranga is believed to be the nickname of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, the founder of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKON) and the mere utterance of
"Gouranga," the Hare Krishna practitioners say, would make one joyous.

Well I don’t know about that but if some religious ~~nut~~, er, enthusiast wants me to be happy well, it’s better than penile enhancement promos. And let’s face it, it’s been a rough month; what with the never ending carnage in the middle east, the rising body count and bòbòl (read corruption scandals) here at home, and the Windies getting their tail parts handed to them, I could use a little levity. So here goes:

Gouranga, Gouranga, Gouranga… (I'm throwing in a little happy dance for good measure.)

Meow, arf, whatever...(Mothering Edition)

2005-04-30T06:45:00.000-04:00

- Good samaritan dog nurses kittens
- Mynamar housewife nurses tiger cubs. Not exactly breaking news but I had to hold off on posting until I could verify this oddity.

Cute little buggers aren't they?

Three times a day, the Myanmar housewife goes to the Yangon Zoo where she breastfeeds the hungry black-striped, orange-brown cubs rejected by their natural mother.

"The cubs are just like my babies," Hla Htay told Fuji TV as one of the baby big cats suckled her breast.

Okaaaay, then.

- And closer to home; a Bajan zonkey, er, deebra, er, cute brown quadruped is born.

Allison and Alex

The Trolley Problem...

2005-04-29T07:46:00.000-04:00

A trolley is running out of control down a track. In its path are 5 people who have been tied to the track by a mad philosopher. Fortunately, you can flip a switch which will lead the trolley down a different track. Unfortunately, there is a single person tied to that track. Should you flip the switch?

We’ve had it…

2005-04-28T07:21:00.000-04:00

The owner of a Romanian footee club has thrown in the towel. Dinel Staicu, sick and tired of being the butt of jokes stemming from his hapless Universitatea Craiova, handed the team’s pink slip to the local council gratis.

"May you have more luck with it than I have, I am fed up with the whole business…It has got so bad that I have now handed everything to do with Universitatea Craiova , including the players, to the local council for nothing."

Normally I’d be chuckling along with the rest of the heartless bastards out there; it does fill the ‘funny’ quotient; except the saga does not end there. Apparently the town council wanted no part of the team either and turned him down.

The thing is I’m feeling poor Diny’s (Can I call you Diny, dawg?) pain. No one likes being stuck with a perennial loser. Which brings us to the matter of Windies Cricket and the question; when you can’t give a team away, what do you do? I usually rail against the selectors, the board, the sponsors, even the players’ association on occasion; but this week our fine boys in maroon (and who the hell chose maroon as the team colour, I mean really) get it right between the eyes.

Ezra Stuart called their play gutless. I concur. Holding said they’re undisciplined. I concur. Sir Viv said he wanted to smack ‘em around. Well, no, he didn’t but I’m sure he’s thought about it.

Lara hanging head in despair
World Cup 2003

Now, it's one thing if we castigate our boys, that's par for the course. This is the Caribbean we only torture the ones we love. It's quite another thing however, when the mové lang (read tongue lashing) starts to come from foreign parts. For heaven' sake we've got Indian sports writers feeling sorry for us and using us as an object lesson on how not to run a cricket team.

Just look at how West Indies cricket refuses to lift itself from mediocrity. A badly handled sponsorship row shook an already shaken team and left coach Bennett King with the stiff task of presenting a competitive side against South Africa. Fans around the world feel terrible that West Indies cricket has been meandering for a while now.

Damn... Did you notice how no one's said our boys were bereft of talent? And they are, 'our boys'. We're not happy with them, but even if we had the option of pulling a 'Diny' the poor sod who suggested it would be publicly stoned. Windies Cricket has never been just about cricket. Rather, it was about recognition; a testimony to our grace and fortitude in the face of socio-economic and yes, political inequality. It was a touchstone for unity in an oft fractured region.

And here I am, betrayed by tense. Those were the things that West Indies Cricket used to stand for. The days of calypso cricket and Tanti Merle seem long past. So perhaps I'll rephrase the question, "When you're stuck with a heart break team that you just can't give away; what do, you do?"

General Awesomeness...

2005-04-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

Sidewalk Chalk Guy

50 things to eat...

2005-04-27T07:48:00.000-04:00

I found this list by way of The Ministry Blog, which was compiled last year by the BBC, of the "top 50 things everyone should try a bite of in their lifetime". Omnivorous by nature, I've sampled all except those which are underlined, and am struck by how many are regular fare in the Caribbean.

Moreton Bay Bugs

Cream tea

Alligator

Kangaroo

Venison

Guinea pig

Barramundi

Reindeer

Australian meat pie

Durian fruit

Tapas

Jerk chicken/pork

Haggis

Cornish pasty

Via The Ministry Blog

Do you think the Beeb left anything essential out?

Numanuma OR Silly Lip-syncing White Boy

2005-04-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

Yes I. This is exactly what they (read 'clever eggheads') had in mind when they came up with the internet.

This just in...

2005-04-25T17:05:00.000-04:00

It's your own damn fault if you get raped. At least that's according to Sheik Faiz Mohamad. The cleric and erstwhile boxer explains:

Sheik Faiz Mohamad

"A victim of rape every minute somewhere in the world. Why? No one to blame but herself. She displayed her beauty to the entire world...

"Strapless, backless, sleeveless, nothing but satanic skirts, slit skirts, translucent blouses, miniskirts, tight jeans: all this to tease man and appeal to his carnal nature."

Right. So I guess Ms Veronica Ntepe was just asking for it when she was attacked while lounging around in sleepwear (must have been real skimpy or something) in her own bedroom at 11 at night?

Yo Mama...

2005-04-24T09:12:00.000-04:00

This entry is either tardy for UK's Mothering Sunday or early for the North American version.

Mr. T rapping. 'Nuff said.

Geek Shows!

2005-04-24T08:59:00.000-04:00

This for anonymous who felt the cow movie was 'lame'.

Ripley's Believe It or Not!

Moooovie!

2005-04-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

The Scientific Farm Strangelab

w00t!

2005-04-22T08:27:00.000-04:00

I'd like to give a shout out to my man Benedict XVI, AKA The Enforcer, AKA God's Rottweiler, AKA Der Panzerkardinal, AKA Glory of the Olive for the extra hundred unique visitors he netted me on Wednesday. Gouranga, gouranga, gouranga! You da man Benny! Okay, back to 'business'.

Well like, duh, man...

Smoke pot, email makes you stupid.

Email users suffered a 10 per cent drop in IQ scores, more than twice the fall recorded by marijuana users, in a clinical trial of over a thousand participants.

And in other toking news...

~~Canaduh~~, er, Canada has green lighted a new MS drug derived from cannabis. The painkiller, Sativex, will be available by prescription only. Sorry guys, you'll have to stay sober long enough to figure out how to score the 'scripts.

Sativex is administered through a spray pump under the tongue or on the inside of the cheek, providing reliable, self-administered pain relief, according to the companies. The spray formulation allows for more flexible dosing than an oral tablet, well suited to the variable nature of neuropathic pain experienced by people with MS.

Dr Thomas Chong

For more on Sativex read Morgan Truce's interview with Dr Thomas Chong.

Things to do when you're bored...(Evil-Genius-Wannabe Edition)

2005-04-21T18:57:00.000-04:00

- Investigate your nemesis, aka, that irritating Super-Hero-Wannabe.
- Evaluate feasibility of destroying the earth.
- Nuke The Hamptons; you know, for practice.

- Write a ransom note.
- Write a ransom note in the snow.
- Insist that your trusty ninja assassins hone their mad skillz through the noble discipline of Flysui.
- Make a list of things you'll do once you've suceeded in your mission.

Don't Panic!

2005-04-21T00:13:00.000-04:00

How do you wreck a perfectly good time? Freak a bunch of civilians out while doing a movie recreation.

Eleven "Mad Max" fans armed with fake machine guns were arrested after they surrounded a tanker truck while making their way to a movie marathon in a theatrical convoy.

Spam, spam, spam, spam...

2005-04-20T06:43:00.000-04:00

Last night, somewhere between notifications that I was US$1.5M richer and offers for cheap Viagra, I received this:

Neateye [nitaigouranga@aol.com] to me

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

Say what? Was this spam, Mishka or YS being cute again? Let it be known, I have some whackadoodle friends, so this sort of oddity would be well up their alley.

Thing is, it worked. Yup, I was so busy chuckling, running anti-virus scans (can't be too careful these days), and googling the word 'gouranga' that I was able to completely distract myself from the latest on the Windies sponsorship flap. Although, reading about Dubya's devastating sex appeal might have also helped.

When things get rough, wear a cup...

2005-04-19T06:47:00.000-04:00

As the four-way Windies Cricket sponsorship scrap winds down and the boys get back to the business of trying to play like the first class cricketers they are, the last thing us Windies cricket fans need is more bad news.

Photo by Touchline/Getty Images

Now, I've taken a fair share of smack from various persons for my harsh criticisms of the cavalier manner in which the Caribbean got involved in the bid to host Cricket World Cup 2007. Words like bitchy, traitorous and pessimistic have been bandied about. Unfortunately, my critics were wrong. For an in-depth analysis of this tragedy in the making, read Azad Hosein's "Trouble Ahead!".

According to Hosein's calculations the eight territories tipped to play host; Antigua & Barbuda, Barbados, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, Jamaica, Guyana, Grenada and Trinidad & Tobago; will have to raise US$1billion in order to mount the competition. Thus far, there seems to be no money and few plans but scads of overweening confidence.

And so, the International Cricket Council's naming of South Africa as replacement host, in the increasingly likely event that we can't pull off the 2007 games, seems of more ominous import than the mere prudent planning it surely is.

Nooky Handbook - Tips

2005-04-19T06:41:00.000-04:00

oral on a school bus

penile-enhancement surgery.

Holy Weblog

Viagra has been ruled kosher for passover

go blind.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Former T&T PM, Basdeo Pandey, on ethics:

"politics has its own morality and...if one wishes to hold on to one's professional integrity one ought to leave politics"

I'm torn. I don't know whether to laud his honesty or pull my hair out.

Stupid Criminal Files...

2005-04-18T07:44:00.000-04:00

Poster Boy:

Jeffery Howard Pritchert, aged 41

Arizona man in lock-up over serial peepee shots.

"Mesa police got a break in the case when a man left DNA when he touched himself in front of women..."

Touched himself. Right. Delicate way of putting it.

Tips:
Beware of grannies toting garden gnomes.

"When it hit him he lay down for a while. I got my rolling pin in case. I didn't want to break another gnome."

1 down, 4 to go!

2005-04-17T10:22:00.000-04:00

Cast your eyes to the right. Yup, I've recruited my first ninja, YingYang. Go check out her blog and give her a 'hey, how yer doing', would you? So does this mean I can upgrade to Drunken Mistress Dorna!?

Things to do when you're bored...

- Watch 622 Music Videos (NB: Dezerai picked up some wee beasties some time around when he first visited this site. Soooo...)
- Try a singalong of an oldie but goodie. For full effect you'll have to get up and dance too.
- Post on your blog, but please "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)
- Visit odd flash sites with foreign language sound tracks. I think they're singing about a touque and coka cola, but I could be wrong.
- Find pictures of freaky looking newborn mammals.

Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis)

- If all else fails, there's always the personals, by way of Beatniksalad.

Update! Ratzinger's being set up?

2005-04-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

Say it ain't so. St Malachy's prediction may still be on the money. Yup. I'm keeping my eye out for a cardinal of olive ilk.

The latest rumours hint, nay, assert that there's Vatican intrigue afoot; and that the Panzerkardinal (don't ask me what that means, it's their nickname for him not mine) has some heavy opposition with media savvy.

"The Ratzinger predictions are being deliberately inflated by someone who does not want him as Pope in order to burn his chances," said one official close to liberal voices opposed to the cardinal.

That's right kiddies apparently dirty tricks are kosher even in church politics.

Weekend Rant...

2005-04-16T18:37:00.000-04:00

I have psycho birdies in my backyard. No really. Hordes of them. Of varying species, including the occasional coastal refugee that has no business being this far inland. 'Cause we've got us a few fruit trees and such. Which was cool for a while. 'Til they started dog fighting at 3 in the morning and destroying my spinach plants.

Now I've made peace with the nomadic Al Queda chickens, none of which I own and never see a single egg from. It's not a Zen thing, me making my peace with the chickens; I've just thrown in the towel. They win. The little bastards are tough and agile and I'm starting to get the feeling that they're flipping me the bird every time I engage in extreme shooing behaviour. Besides, the neighbours are starting to look at me funny. Funnier than usual, that is.

But these other wee noise makers, which have taken to dive bombing each other and any open window, are pushing me over the edge. Which admittedly isn't necessarily a difficult task to accomplish. Bird calls are supposed to be soothing, bringing one in tune with nature, and all that rot. But let me tell you 'squawk, squawk, screech, coo, crash' is not soothing. Anyone know anything about air rifles?

Meow, arf, whatever...

2005-04-16T08:43:00.000-04:00

- Wisconsin flirts with kitty hunting?
- Pitbulls save woman.
- Chimp with a monkey on its back.
- Critterguard's Taliban trained squirrels.
- Needed for earthquake prevention/mitigation: 1000 sheep.
- Invisible Donkey infestation.

"These creatures are the number one cause of high phone, gas bills, and sexual dysfunction."

- Slime-mold beetles now even more slimy.
- Remotely controlled headless flies. For an explanation of this scientific marvel go to Collision Detection.

YS is being cute

2005-04-15T10:32:00.000-04:00

What self-respecting evil-genius-wannabe would answer these questions honestly. Oh well, here goes.

Q: You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

Ack! I disapprove of book burning on a point of principle. The only exception being in case of a The Day After Tomorrow type scenario, you know, imminent death by freezing. But if I must be torched then let me be Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Now admittedly she may have authored worse pieces of offal but I never got that far.

Q: Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Well duh…but only in a purely Florence Nightingale sense, too busy obsessing about real people.

Q: The last book you bought is:

Um, The Ruby Knight - David Eddings, which is entirely Mishka’s fault.

Q: The last book you read:

I’ve just re-read Things Fall Apart – Chinua Achebe. I don’t do reviews, just read the damned thing, you’ll be better for it.

Q: What are you currently reading?

The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde

Q: Five books you would take to a desert island.

Exactly how long would I have to be on this island? It’s impossible to make such a choice so, this is the short list of books I’ve read at least 5 times, in no particular order:

Q: Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

*sigh* As if I don’t have enough trouble keeping the few people who will talk to me.

Radmilla because she’ll probably forgive me.

Dezerai because he might find it amusing.

Bodhi because, well, who knows what he’d come up with?

Now, if anyone else actually wants to do this be my guest.

A pox on ****ing Microsoft!

2005-04-15T00:02:00.000-04:00

And I do mean pox with full medieval connotations. I ask you, who better than myself is best placed to know when my frelling computer needs to be re-started in order to enable their oh-so-important but generally tardy updates? Eh? It's not like I don't know what's going to happen. Windows Security Update No. 5 quintillion is assuredly going to cock-up my settings, triggering yet another round of panicked system restores while I fruitlessly search the multitudes of online forums catering to fellow tuppees like myself who were stupid enough to submit to the Gatesian harassment of reminder windows popping up every 5 minutes enquiring, "Do you want to restart your computer now?"
No damn it, I do not! I'm busy and entirely too sober to countenance the prospect. I'll do it when I'm good and bloody ready. Right. Now on to more interesting matters, including…

Odd things found in knickers…

1 - Stolen cell phone

"female police officers revealed that Gardian had hidden the NEC mobile phone in her vagina"

2 - The words, 'Liar Be Gone'. (Read the entire post, I assure you the reference is there.)

And

3 - Chicken… It's like art or something.

Shush! Don't tell anyone...

2005-04-14T08:47:00.000-04:00

Never mind all the leaked tips coming out of the uber-secret conclave about Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger being the front runner. The thing's a done deal, if you believe St Malachy anyway. That's right I've got the scoop. The next pontiff will be, ready, wait for it - olive. Yeah, you wrestle with that for a few microts.

St Malachy was said to have had a vision during a trip to Rome around 1139 of the remaining 112 popes before the Last Judgment…The next pope will be number 111 on that list, and is described in the text as the "Glory of the Olive".

Hundred and eleventh on a list of 112, huh? Excuse me, I've got some er stuff to take care of.

Nooky handbook - working notes...

2005-04-13T06:49:00.000-04:00

So, after watching Paula Abdul's spastic performance on American Idol (girlfriend needs to have her dosage modified downwards) I went blog surfing last night. If you're a blogger you have not lived until you done a proper surf at least 20 blogs long, without getting bogged down by sé ban salopwi-a who can't be bothered to keep their links up-to-date. Or maybe you aren't living if you're blog surfing at 1:30AM. Hmmm. Anyway, I trip across the phrase "cellular interruptus". Baffled, I click through to read this...

Fourteen percent of the world's cell phone users report that they have stopped in the middle of a sex act to answer a ringing wireless device

I'll tell you this much, any guy who pulls a stunt like that is coming away with a bloody stump. My thanks to the Ulterior for the heads up.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

The local water company, WASCO, has announced the introduction of a water management programme in order to cope with the extended dry spell. Translation - not only will I not have any pipe borne water between 6PM and 6AM, I might as well forget about the other 12 hours too. WASCO also warns that its mass disconnection programme is in full swing. Now, I'm not too good at arithmetic but it seems to me that if WASCO is gonna be depriving all those other poor sods of their water supply there should be plenty for me.

First cricket diplomacy now this...

2005-04-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

We hit them with cricket bats and golf clubs and the like...Back then things were a bit different, most kids had a slug gun or an air rifle and we'd get stuck into them with that sort of stuff.

Australian Federal Liberal MP David Tollner - on cane toad eradication.

Meanwhile back at the ranch…

Now that Windies’ Digicel sponsorship spat seems to have gone the way most controversies do in the region (i.e. limp away into unresolved forgetfulness), we can all focus on what’s important, i.e. trying to actually win a Test Series. The 1st test ended with a tiresome draw but the 2nd has shaped up to be absorbing stuff.

Highlights so far:

Lara’s new record

Clickez Ici, for the latest score.

Your friendly neighbourhood taxidermist on dating

2005-04-11T19:56:00.000-04:00

I have run off boyfriends so much, it's not even funny," she explained, saying that some were put off when they opened the freezer to find a bear head.

And,

Miss Hall says that she follows her golden rule for an off-duty taxidermist looking for love: "Never pick up road-kill on the first date".

Housekeeping...
In a bid to stop the whole "the text is jumping around like a Windies batsman facing Darren Gough" thing that was happening in the right hand column I've read way too may pages of articles about IE bugs. I now have a headache 'this big'...Anyhow, I've done a thing (don't ask me to explain what I did, I don't understand any of it) and hope it works. If it doesn't, well tough, it's about time y'all all switch to Firefox anyway.

Wanted!

2005-04-10T22:09:00.000-04:00

I've been asked numerous times (okay, somewhere between 3 and 6 times), what's with this ‘5 Ninjas, 1 Kitten and a Fifth of Vodka!’ business? Well, it’s simple really. A few years ago, during a rather deep conversation with a like minded evil genius wannabe, I was challenged to state definitively what I felt was the bare minimum required for the successful completion of any plan for world domination. Granted there was a fair amount of liquor involved; but I felt certain that after watching every James Bond movie ever made, including the one with George Lazenby, and several episodes of Pinky and The Brain that I'd cracked the problem. So I quickly asserted that all I required to take over the world was 5 ninjas - well you get the picture.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I may have been a little Panglossian at the time, but there was a method to my drunkenness. The plan, whose details elude me at the moment, had a lot to do with the improvised use of a sewing kit by a crack team of ninja assassins. The vodka was for courage. And the kitten, well no one ever really needs a kitten but they’re cute ‘n furry; ‘n I’d look really cool dressed in head to toe latex, 4" stilettos and a kitty draped over my gun arm.

I’ve long since sobered up and acknowledge that there may have been a few holes in the scheme, but what panache. To that end the search is now on for my 5 ninjas, literary ninja that is. Yup, guabancex is to become a group blog. Criteria include that the authors be Caribbean residents or of Caribbean origin but living in the Diaspora, have strong opinions on world events as well as regional issues, able to function reasonably in English, not be looking for filthy lucre and have a thick skin. We all know guabancex readers can be a bit saucy. There’s no time limit on this cattle call.

I mean, really...

2005-04-09T11:33:00.000-04:00

Anyone whose read my blog for an extended period would know two things. Firstly, that I'm not nice and secondly, that I have this thing about the need to protect the gene pool. If we'd been more vigilent as a species then certain people would have never survived childhood, let alone gotten near major political office.

So I'm poking about yesterday and trip over this headline:

Man tried to convert lions to Christianity

My reaction was immediate and predictable. "I hope they bit his crazy arse," I groused.

Of course I was suitably contrite about 5 seconds later. Imagine wishing harm upon an obviously deranged individual. Shocking.

Raising his hands above his head, he shouted: "Jesus will save you!" and "Come bite me!" at the two African lions.

And now for a bit o' housekeeping. Are you using IE? Are you noticing any random weirdness in this page's right hand column? Inexplicable text/link jumping, disappearing, etc? If so, please let me know. Or else I'll assume everything's copacetic.

Less is more - unless you're up for pyrotechnics

2005-04-08T11:58:00.000-04:00

This week we have the much publicized story of how a Thai restaurant was razed in a bug bomb mishap. ~~Funny~~, er, tragic stuff that, but not terribly original.

Three men were hospitalized with burns after they set off 36 cockroach fumigation devices -- aerosol cans filled with chemicals -- which apparently exploded after their contents came into contact with an oven pilot light.

After all, you'd think people would have learned by now after this...
Family blows up house with 19 roach bombs.

And this...
Elderly couple set off kitchen explosion.

And closer to home, this...
Trini torches $400,000 house in bid to be rid of troublesome rats.

When police and fire fighters arrived on the scene, they found 41-year-old Carl Ramroop lying on the pavement watching his home burn.

Get the picture?

You might need a 12 step programme if...

2005-04-07T22:02:00.000-04:00

dismantling a brick house

eau de ganja.

the crack pipe wins!

The Incredible Wah?

2005-04-06T14:39:00.000-04:00

As always, fact is stranger and in this case a heck of a lot funnier than fiction.

Pope John Paul II is being reborn in a Colombian comic book as a superhero battling evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants.

The first episode of the Incredible Popeman is about to go on sale in Colombia and shows the late Polish pontiff meeting comic book legends such as Batman and Superman to learn how to use superpowers to battle Satan.

Okay, okay!

2005-04-06T00:18:00.000-04:00

Yes I'm resurrecting the blog and yes, I'm going to sort out the mess with the layout. Sheesh! Quit pestering me y'all. Just kidding. :D

PS:
Sorry about the lost comments, and thanks for all the concern over my health. You guys have been sweethearts.

Quick! Call the Exorcist!

2005-03-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

Turtle survives fire only to get the mark of Big Evil?

Dora says he can see a goatee and a pair of pointy horns on the shell of the palm-sized red-eared slider turtle named Lucky.

Blog resurrections, and other oddities...

2004-09-17T18:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not generally one for 'signs' but this bears askance:-

The family of a Toronto man say they were shocked when he showed up at their home while his own funeral service was in progress.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Clear! Hmm, still showing a flatline.

This Blog is dead...

2004-08-12T00:20:00.000-04:00

Long live the blogger!

Whimper...

2004-05-09T15:40:00.000-04:00

2004-04-27T00:08:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Scotish teens sentenced for stealing skull.

Er, am I the only one who thinks there's something dodgy about this plan?
"A short-staffed prison in Mexico has hired 42 of its most fearsome inmates to act as guards."

Outrage in Japan over serial rapist's light sentence.

*

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

How many times do I have to warn y'all about exercising patience?

"A man who robbed a bank in California was arrested after going to a nearby bar to count his loot."

*

FOR SALE - 1 bunker

Still available is 1 abandoned Hells Angels bunker complete with "One-tonne steel doors, armour-plated windows and an inground pool".

*

NON-BREAKING NEWS...

And now for an update on the state of affairs in Iraq from the Coalition Provisional Authority:-

"For security reasons, there are no security reports."

*

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM

Soccer boss threatens team with classical concert should they lose.

2004-04-26T12:35:00.000-04:00

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM

Judge sentences embezzler to charity sky jumps.

*

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

Tip:

It's generally not a good idea to write "rob bank" on your to-do lists.

*

TALES OF THE MACABRE

Teenager draws 50 year sentence for trying to kill woman in order to have sex with her corpse.
Robbins, at age 15, listed as New Year's resolutions goals such as tasting human flesh and getting a driver's license "so I can do those horrible things people like to read about in the paper."

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Blogjam's random kitten generator

2004-04-25T00:02:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Japanese trio abandon baby then commit suicide.

Whoops! Yahoo Japan gets 100 million orders for USD25 computer.

Teacher orders school girl tossed out of classroom window.

Dutch artist creates protest piece out of her own skin.

*

REASONS TO DIVORCE YOUR PARENTS

They named you "Vito Terribile Wiel Marin".

*

SOAPBOX

The history of message boards according to Toothpaste For Dinner.

*

DOH!

Security guards duped out of USD263,000.

"ROBBERS distracted three Malaysian security guards by throwing a handful of bank notes on the ground, then ran off with a bag of cash containing 1 million ringgit when the guards stooped to pick them up..."

*

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"We are not a bunch of godless communists. We just want to get some work done."

Mayor Robert Henrickson of East Nassau, New York, explaining why village officials are taking a pass on the Pledge of Allegiance.

2004-04-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

This Blog has taken the World's Smallest Political Quiz and been typed.

Left-Liberals prefer self-government in personal matters and central decision-making on economics. They want government to serve the disadvantaged in the name of fairness. Leftists tolerate social diversity, but work for economic equality.

So I guess that makes me a commie pinko.

*

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Question:

How comfortable can it be,
To do the nasty up a tree?

"Two gay lovers took off most of their clothes, climbed up a tree in New York's Central Park and spent four hours engaging in sex acts and yelling abuse at police and firefighters."

*
FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK

Attention foot fetishists! Careful how you get your fix. California man charged with sexual battery.

"Scheremeta offered several women a chance to participate in a foot survey. Scheremeta told the victims to look away during a foot massage after which he allegedly rubbed his crotch against their feet."

*
TALES OF THE MACABRE

Tamale chef busted simmering remains of drinking buddy.

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Photography by Andrew Penn

2004-04-23T00:00:00.000-04:00

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

Tip - If you're dumb enough to get busted with 67kg of coke hidden in a chicken coop at least have the good sense to hire a lawyer who can do better than this:-

“The drugs were in the possession of a rooster and two hens and the law is very clear that whoever is in possession of the drugs is the one who should be accused.”

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GENERAL COOLNESS

Sanford Ponder - "If we must live in a world in which people are forced to live in cardboard boxes, then someone should at least invent a better box."

Starting at USD$750 and constructed out of laminated paperboard, icopods provide excellent temporary housing.

*

FASHION VICTIMS

Ghetto fab hairdos...

*

TRAVEL ALERT

When visiting Malaysia; keep yer hands to yerself! Couple charged with indecent behaviour for holding hands in public.

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Put more words in Dubya's mouth with bushSpeak.

2004-04-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

MURALI MUST CHUCK THE DOOSRA

The International Cricket Council has effectively outlawed Sri Lankan Muttiah Muralitharan's much maligned doosra delivery.

"...confirming that they are not about to increase the permitted five-degree tolerance level for spin bowlers to accommodate Muralitharan, and warned that he risks being reported and possibly banned if he continues to use the delivery."

Heh, now things really get interesting.

SAY WHAT?

Talk about cojones.

"A WOMAN posing as a military officer conned her way onto a British airforce base and lived there undetected for five months, even running up a large bar bill, a report said."

GENERAL SILLINESS

Memory aides by Dribbleglass.com

CRINGE WORTHY

Presenting the worst songs ever , according to Blender magazine; starting with the incomprehensible "We Built This city":-

We Built This City - Starship, 1985

Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus, 1992

Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung, 1986

Rollin' - Limpbizkit, 2000

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice, 1990

The Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & The News, 1984

Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin, 1988

Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy, 1985

American Life - Madonna, 2003

Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, 1982

I admit to thoroughly enjoying at least 2 songs on that list, and getting smacked in the head over a third.

CLICKEZ ICI

Create your own South Park character. (Link by way of the green ape)

2004-04-21T07:51:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

Why Mobile Phones are Annoying

Bystanders rated mobile-phone conversations as dramatically more noticeable, intrusive, and annoying than conversations conducted face-to-face. While volume was an issue, hearing only half a discussion also seemed to up the irritation factor.

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Economists in the US and Britain have worked out the financial value of a good sex life - £30 000, or close on R350 000, a year.

Humph. I'd say, I've got money coming to me, and if I were the least bit litigious I'd be calling my lawyers right now.

GENERAL SILLINESS

This dog's gonna have issues.

Y'all know I dig my furry friends as much as the next chick; but perhaps some of us animal lovers are, erm how to put this diplomatically, losing our freaking minds?

WORDS TO LIVE BY...

Albert Einstein - "When I was young, I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock. So I stopped wearing socks."

CLICKEZ ICI

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-04-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Stop the presses!

"men and women have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire...The brain is the crucial sexual organ in a woman,"

So many eggheads, so few smarts.

WOW!

Sometimes even Mother Nature gets a little bored and feels the urge to 'just try something new'.

Four week old white zebra baffles park rangers.

GENERAL COOLNESS

Bye bye injections?

BioMed Central - "The technique, called microscission, uses a stream of gas to bombard small areas of the skin with tiny crystals of inert aluminium oxide. The sharp particles remove the rough surface-layer of the skin, and create tiny holes, known as microconduits, in the underlying layers of the skin. The crystals and loosened skin are taken away with the gas flow. The whole process takes less than 20 seconds."

GENERAL SILLINESS

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	The Bankruptcy Lawyer
Super Power	Incredible Stamina
Enemy	The Cheating Boyfriend
Mode Of Transportation	City Bus
Weapon	Vinyl Records

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

A lawyer!? Evil meme...

CLICKEZ ICI

Can you tell the difference between Dubya-babble and Quayle-prattle? Who said this?

"The Civil War was the best war we've ever had because when you're fighting with yourself, you're always going to win."

Take the DubyaSpeak quiz. It's harder than you think.

2004-04-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

You know the world is coming to an end when Khadafi starts making sense.

"Saddam's fall has not brought terrorism to an end...Far from it; it has found a bigger opportunity to flourish...The Al-Qaeda network did not exist before in Iraq, and now it is there, along with the renegades..."

OH BOY...

You might have a problem, or two, if your resumé reads like this:

Education: B.S., ECON., 1952, U. OF PA., Philadelphia, PA.
LL.B., 1955. Yale Law School, New Haven, CT.

Experience: 1955-1970, lawyer, Dallas, Texas.

Reason for Leaving: Unlawful interference by the FBI.

Health: I suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of unlawful harassment by the FBI. Where ever I go the local politicians and police work with the FBI to harass me. In essence, all levels of government operate like Washington.

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Squirrels gone wild:

Click pic to see larger, non-blog 14 image.

THIS BLOG HAS CONVERTED!

The 10 Email Directives by way of theUniversal Church of the Interactive Network

Thou shalt not spam

Thou shalt not believe everything on thy screen

Thou shalt be wary of the urban myth

Thou shalt use thy spellchecker

Thou shalt think before thou sends

Thou shalt not burden thy brother with superfluous attachments

Thou shalt be prompt

Thou shalt exercise brevity of text

Thou shalt exercise restraint in the use of emoticons, for they are the most holy of textual expressions

Thou shalt learn and use universally acceptable acronyms, as all others are an abomination

CLICKEZ ICI

Revenge without the jail time - Instant Voodoo

2004-04-18T11:04:00.000-04:00

REVAMP - 5th circle of hell...

What's the matter with you people?

Why didn't y'all tell me the page looks monumentally odd in Mozilla? You're all fired! Yeah that's right - all 5 of you!

It's a crying shame that CSS, designed to be so simple and approachable to nonprogrammers, has turned into such a cabalist's affair!
—Todd Fahrner

You said it brother...(sighing melodramatically)

2004-04-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

UPDATE - Laporte returns to TechTV

All hail the power of bitching!

I'm very pleased to say that thanks to your overwhelming show of support and to a strong desire on both our parts to come to an agreement, TechTV has improved its offer and I've decided to climb back aboard the good ship Call for Help.

FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:

Alternative breakup techniques...

Girls Are Pretty - "The last guy who broke up with you brought a dozen donuts with him when he did it. He was good enough to come to your apartment to do it, and he called ahead to let you know by his tone that he was coming over to do it, which is cool."

My, how civilised. That went a good deal better than the last time this Blog got dumped.

SOAPBOX

On the subject of the Bush Administration's war on pornography; this Blog presents, John Ashcroft In Porn -

John Ashcroft Mosaic comprised of wee nekid ladies as swiped from Hublog

GENERAL SILLINESS

Gene Ray on reactions to his Theory Of Everything and the Time Cube:

"My wisdom so antiquates known knowledge, that a psychiatrist examining my behavior, eccentric by his academic single corner knowledge, knows no course other than to judge me schizoprenic. In today's society of greed, men of word illusion are elected to lead and wise men are condemned. You must establish a Chair of Wisdom to empower Wise Men over the stupid intelligentsia, or perish."

Oh and, PS, math is fiction.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

It's Not RealEzy - "When life gives you lemons, place a slice of peel into your glass of Vodka and hope it goes away."

CLICKEZ ICI

The Donuts Hate You...(Odd that, 'cause I love them.)

2004-04-17T00:05:00.000-04:00

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Is Sex Necessary?

"The best that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it?s harmless when practiced in moderation. Having regular and enthusiastic sex, by contrast, confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you male or female."

Humph, good to know.

FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:

"When a male successfully attracts the attention of a nearby female, she will flick her wings as he finishes his song. A courtship dance ensues, with the male continuing to sing up until the physical act of copulation.

Shortly after mating, the male usually keels over and dies."

'TIL DEATH DO US PART...

...and it will be sooner than you think if you erase my mp3 collection. Woman beats boyfriend to death with iPod.

GENERAL SILLINESS

Not only is Subservient Chicken mania sweeping the net, someone's actually compiled lists of what the 'bird' will or won't do.

Will Do
pee on couch * riverdance * get some dignity (angers chicken) * macarena * shake your tailfeather * self flagellate

Will do, sort of
flip me off * masturbate * get naked * tear the place up * tear off chicken feathers * compute

Won't do
break things * do complex mathmatics * wardrobe malfunction (sfsdfd) * make the sign of the Golden Arches (makes chicken angry) * eat a big mac (makes gagging motion) * Bark at the Moon (Chicken moons you)

CLICKEZ ICI

George says...

2004-04-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Japanese grannie slashes 8 year old for being a slow eater.

Mesry the pachyderm gets treatment for depression.

Thirteen year old Aussie gets go ahead for sex change.

Smeared Muslim Army Chaplain Capt. James Yee cleared of all charges. Can we say 'Richard Jewel'?

SOAPBOX

Simon Cowell:"This is what happens when you leave the decision up to America."

Okay, granted Simon (psst, I still available) Cowell wasn't referring to Bush, but the principle applies. For more Cowell bon mots, CLICKEZ ICI.

'TIL DEATH DO US PART...

...especially if I mistakenly pump 4 bullets into you.

NOOKY HANDBOOK - Helpful Hints

10 Steps to Caring Dominance

Excerpt (No I'm not going to put the whole thing here. This Blog is a nice blog, besides, this Blog's mother knows the URL)-

Understand your relationship with your bottom.

Discover your bottom's needs.

Discover your needs with your bottom.

Establish boundaries with your submissive.

Understand the difference between dominance and control.

CLICKEZ ICI

Simon Tyszko?s Suicide Bomber Barbie:

"Suicide Bomber Barbie" conflates Western commodification with Palestinian desperation. Religious and capitalist dogmas struggle within Barbie?s idealised form, in an artwork of potent incongruity."

Uh - right. What they said.

2004-04-15T00:11:00.000-04:00

THE BRITISH INVASION

West Indies v England (The Wisden Trophy, 2003/04, 4th Test)
Antigua Recreation Ground, St John's, Antigua
10-14 April 2004

Result: Match Drawn

Series: England wins the 4-Test series 3-0

Man of the Match: BC Lara

Man of the Series: SJ Harmison

STUPID CRIMINALS FILES - Helpful Hints

"Just how do we remember a face? The upper part of the face seems to be more important for recognition than the lower part. The hair turns out to be the most important factor, followed by the eyes, then the nose, and then to a lesser extent, the mouth and chin. If you're going to rob a bank, wear a wig, and don't bother with the fake beard."

NOOKY HANDBOOK - Helpful Hints

Being an exhibitionist isn't always fun. There's always the possiblity of an unsuspecting flasher getting whacked in the noggin by a purse wielding grandma. For an assault-free way of getting your freak on, try Reflectoporn! (Thanks Doobie)

"Sellers on eBay have taken to surreptitiously taking photos of themselves relected naked in the surface of whatever trinket they've put up for auction."

FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:

A Scientific Approach to Understanding My Girlfriend's Role in the Overall Degradation of My Life's Quality:

1. Principle of Decreasing Video Game Ability: It’s a well known fact that girlfriends are excessively needy and insist on having 100% of your attention directed towards them at all times. Any sort of activity where the boyfriend has a chance to relax or relieve stress is strictly forbidden as it interferes with the girlfriend’s agenda ... In fact, the exact level of my decreasing ability can be modeled mathematically to an accurate degree. The number of hours I spend with my girlfriend (t) has a direct-negative affect on my game playing abilities (a).

CLICKEZ ICI

Naoto Hattori

2004-04-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

THE BRITISH INVASION

West Indies v England, 4th Test, Antigua, 4th day

West Indies 751 for 5 declared

England 285 & 145 without loss (48.0 ov) (follow on)

England trail by 321 runs with 10 wickets remaining

More...

REVAMP - update

CLICKEZ ICI

2004-04-13T05:30:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

The problem with being a Windies fan is that you can't cultivate a dignified indifference in peace. So here I was trying to mind my own business while pretending to work, making green tomato sauce and torturing the Subservient Chicken; with the whole neighbourhood erupting into raucous applause every ten minutes and the Parental Unit relentlessly delivering unsolicited updates on alternate overs.

By now, unless you're dead or a curling fan, all of you have been made aware of Brian Lara's singular feat yesterday. The Trinie phenom reclaimed his record from Matt Hayden, sopping up an unbeaten 400 runs, before mercifully bringing the West Indies innings to and end at a ridiculous 751 for 5. I'm a difficult woman you say? Why can't I just enjoy Lara's milestone like everyone else? Why? 'Cause I'm not falling for it, that's why.

A brilliant turn at bat does not a cricket team nor a captain make, and I'm not even going to touch the rest of the team today. why couldn't he do this at a more convenient time, like when I don't have a pot of plopping tomato sauce on the burner or when I'm not systematically dismantling my blog? And what's this 'last gasp' crap? Do the boys really think we're going to let them off the hook with this all too predictable smattering of brilliance after the monumental whoop-ass deservingly delivered by Micheal Vaughan and crew?

Southy -The trouble is (as I see it), glorious batsman he may be, but leader and motivator of men-he is not. Moreover, he "leads" the team from ignominious to defeat to ignominious defeat. In the process reducing a proud heritage to laughing stock status...I'm so sorry that he has made this particular century when he has, because it is bad for westindies cricket.

Incidentally, are you gripping England fans on crack? So what if Vaughan's hit a run scoring dry spell? If you'all don't want him, send him here! I'd gladly trade Lara, and I don't think I'm alone in this, for a sane captain who puts in consistent, if relatively modest knocks, doesn't diddle the field every other delivery and who understands that can't captain 'by bat'.

Oh, and Yorkshire Soul, keep yer tongue off of Fidel Edwards and should you indeed opt for eating your blog I've got a kicking sauce to help it go down.

CLICKEZ ICI

2004-04-12T00:31:00.000-04:00

GENERAL SILLINESS

JUNK MAIL, ETC ...

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

REVAMP

Okay, so I've diddled the templates again. This time you have The Other Micheal to blame, since he took exception to "the scrolly things" which previously proliferated this blog. If you're using some terribly obsure browser, which I've never heard of, and everything looks frelled, email me would you?

2004-04-11T00:53:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Attention! It is not considered kosher to go job hunting clad in dirty nappies.

Nine year old taken to the big house over bunny theft.

SOAPBOX

What's wrong with with a little bunny torture?

Copyright 2001, Cone Dog Cartoons

"A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children."

~~STUPID~~, ER, PARANOID ALLEDGED CRIMINALS FILES

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ex-Enron bigwig Jeff Skilling gets tossed from bar.

"EMS determined that he was intoxicated, irrational and possibly suffering from paranoid delusions, due to the fact that he was pulling open people's clothes and looking for recording devices, accusing them of being FBI agents and stalking him,"

*HIC*

Quebec drunk driver earns "an all-expenses-paid Easter weekend trip behind bars."

CLICKEZ ICI

Like reality tv shows? Like wild boars? Good, watch Pig Brother.

2004-04-10T00:29:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Remember little Johnny, the kid who got off on lighting your terrier's tail on fire? Whatever happened to him? My guess is he working with those guys over at Ogilvy & Mather on the Ford Sportka account. In what the clever lads called a 'viral marketing' stunt they churned up two ads featuring the homicidal Sportka, Sporta's evil twin, offing a pigeon and a cat.

LORD LUV A DUCK...

And now, from the leader of the free world, a few words of wisdom:

"The march to war affected the people's confidence. It's hard to make investment. See, if you're a small business owner or a large business owner and you're thinking about investing, you've got to be optimistic when you invest. Except when you're marching to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when you're thinking you're going to war."

George W Bush — Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004

I don't know whether to laugh or weep. But wait, there's more! Go read more Bushisms at Slate.

'TIL DEATH DO US PART...

...or until I sic my 17 yr old on you and hack off your best friend.

"The eldest child of the man and his wife tied him up before cutting his genitals with a knife."

NOOKY HANDBOOK - Cautionary Tales

When sex games go way, way, wrong:

"It is very rare for this to happen. We call it an exploded penis because it happens when the blood cavities in the penis burst."

CLICKEZ ICI

Okay, if you've never bothered with this segment before, this is the time to pay attention. Do you enjoy Simon Says? Well you're gonna just love The Subservient Chicken. Best fun I've had in ages! (*sigh* Gotta get me a life...)

2004-04-09T00:33:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

I am woman hear me roar. Mother performs auto-caesarean with kitchen knife.

"She took three small glasses of hard liquor...Then, using a kitchen knife, she sliced her abdomen in three attempts and delivered a male infant that breathed immediately and cried."

GENERAL UNCOOLNESS

This is turning out to be a truly rotten week all around.

Leo (on left) with Chris Pirillo (of Lockergnome fame) who left TechTV a while back.

Leo Laporte parts ways from TechTV in the aftermath of the Comcast buy out.

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Kissing 101, or What Kind of a Kisser Are You?:

Earlobecstacy
Gently kiss, nibble, and suck on the earlobe.

Facial Lines
Trace the neck and jawbone with your lips and tongue.

The Big Tease
Kiss everywhere but the lips, until your partner pulls you to their lips.

Hmmmmm, I might need crib notes.

CLICKEZ ICI

Piercing - By David Gaddis

2004-04-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Woman gets shot by oven. Her cooking couldn't have been that bad.

"The Wanderer", Norway's serial B&E artist gets parole.

'TIL DEATH DO US PART...

...especially if I stab you in the head again.

Via ANANOVA

Knife thrower and his ~~victim~~, er, assistant to wed.

TALES OF THE MACABRE

Japanese girl's fixation with 'ladykiller' leads to her torture and murder.

"Whenever Akiko refused to borrow money for them, they responded brutally with bashings, pouring boiling water over her and butting out their cigarettes on her bare skin. They didn't give her any food or water, and kept her a prisoner in a tiny loft so she couldn't escape."

NEKID POLITICIANS -Update

Czech porn star Dolly Buster AKA Katja-Nora Bochnickova has resumed her on-again-off-again bid for the European Parliament.

"Hundreds of people kept emailing me daily to tell me that I had to come back as they had no-one else to vote for. I couldn't disappoint them,"

Oh good! I'm sure Yorkshire Soul's just thrilled.

NOOKYHAND BOOK

Just because you're a ho' doesn't mean you can't be a good Christian ho'.

"Prostitutes in a Romanian town have suspended their services for Lent."

2004-04-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

Viral marketting stunt backfires on Ford.

"An online advert for a Ford car in which a cat is decapitated by a sunroof has been condemned by animal charities."

CLICK HERE to see the offending ad in question.

**********
SAY WHAT?

Chinese woman gets extra pair of breasts in boob job gone way wrong.

Vampires claim 13 in Brazil.

Nude sushi platter gets a rise out of Chinese.

And in other news of nekidness: Alanis strips at Juno Awards

Dutch leaders consider banning sex with animals.

**********
LITERARY ATROCITIES

"Let us go away together, away from the anger and imperatives of men. There will be only the two of us, and we shall linger through long afternoons of sweet retirement. In the evenings I shall read to you while you work your cross-stitch in the firelight. And then we shall go to bed, our bed, my dearest girl."

This is as close as I'm going to get to reading Lynne Cheney's (AKA Mrs Dick Cheney) tome Sisters. Cheney's publishers have decided not to reissue the out of print, risqué, historical romance. Thank heavens!

**********
CLICKEZ ICI

Artertosmo

2004-04-06T00:18:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

"But there is also Lara himself. And his leadership in this match was so palpably flawed it is possible to argue he lost the match even more certainly than Andrew Flintoff, Graham Thorpe and Matthew Hoggard won it."

**********
GENERAL COOLNESS...

Or should we be just a trifle paranoid? Don't get me wrong, I just luv google and all; but do I want to give 'em that much info?

Google Personalized

**********
NOOKY HANDBOOK - observations

Korman's Conclusion:
"The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come again."

**********
THE 'UNSTICKER' UP CLOSE

"To Oprah she confirmed that the president calls her Mother Hen, "but I think he means it affectionately." Her father and grandfathers were Presbyterian ministers. She likes football. She is fond of piecing together jigsaw puzzles with the Bushes at Camp David. Everyone refers to her as Condi. She calls herself Dr. Rice."

2004-04-05T00:20:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

Dallas Federal Bank President Robert McTeer waxes poetic:

There once was an economy on the ropes
That kept dashing our recovery hopes
When we made the concession
To call it a recession
It turned up, and we felt like dopes

**********
NEW BLOGGING SURVEY

Swiss student, Daniel Jorg is conducting a survey on the feeding habits of bloggers. Well no, not really; but it's important, only takes five minutes to complete, and could yeild some useful data, so help him out would you?

Take The Survey

**********
NOOKY HANDBOOK - tech update

Taiwanese vibrating condom unveiled at Swiss trade show. Hmmmm. The concept seems to already be a hit in Japan.

**********
CLICKEZ ICI

Susan Weil: Ear's Eye For James Joyce

JOYCE INSPIRALLED - Etching with Spiral Cut, by Susan Weil

2004-04-04T00:03:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Lara's "devastated and in state of shock" over England's decisive trashing of the Windies. (Can't for the life of me think why. Surely he couldn't be all that suprised.)

Car scam granny gives lawyer rubber check and ditches court.

Canadian politician wants to make Turks and Caicos Canada's 11th province.

Teacher chokes seven year old for not doing homework. I'm guessing detention wasn't an option.

**********
'TIL DEATH DO US PART...

...and if that fails, there's always the fukuenya.

**********
DOH!

**********
GET SMART...

Wanna boost your IQ? Scientists have unveiled the Hidden Genius Machine. What? You don't like the ridiculous head gear? Well you can always just have more sex.

"Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of life not linked to sex,"

**********
OH MY EYES!!!

Aussie mag banned from Barnes and Noble over pic of nude scupture. Meanwhile in Tennessee...

"The state of Tennessee doesn't allow booze to be sold in places that have naked women, or apparently even pictures of 19th-century naked women."

2004-04-03T08:09:00.000-04:00

SOAPBOX

Well can you see the darned thing from space or not?

US astronaut Gene Cernan swears you can.

**********
*HIC* FILES

German tippler trades license for handbag.

**********
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?

**********
GENERAL SILLINESS

What is your battle cry?

Mine is:

Who is that, rampaging on the freeway! It is Guabancex, hands clutching a piece of chainlink fence! And with a cruel grunt, her voice cometh:

I'm going to punch you into the fourth dimension!"

**********
CLICKEZ ICI

Elevator Moods

2004-04-02T07:26:00.000-04:00

SAY WHAT?

Heh, heh.

Google loses Canada.

Budgie causes car wreck.

Mother sells baby trice over.

Cambodian cuts off penis to feed spirits.

**********
DON'T GIVE UP YER DAY JOB

Guess what this guy does for a living.

"For instance, in case of a frog, I have to clean the frog thoroughly because frog being a cold blooded animal urinates at the touch of a warm hand. Hence, I have to put the frog in my mouth after cleaning it and also before its next urination spell."

**********
THOU SHALT NOT...

...Steal (with STUPID CRIMINALS overtone):

Pet store thief gets bitten by tarantula.

"The thief was clueless, so he went quite pale when the guards told him the poison was lethal. It was just a joke but the thief wasn't feeling very cocky just then,"

**********
TRAVEL ALERT

When visiting Brunei, stay out of the chicken coups!

**********
CLICKEZ ICI