Shush! Don't tell anyone...

Never mind all the leaked tips coming out of the uber-secret conclave about Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger being the front runner. The thing's a done deal, if you believe St Malachy anyway. That's right I've got the scoop. The next pontiff will be, ready, wait for it - olive. Yeah, you wrestle with that for a few microts.

St Malachy was said to have had a vision during a trip to Rome around 1139 of the remaining 112 popes before the Last Judgment…The next pope will be number 111 on that list, and is described in the text as the "Glory of the Olive".

Hundred and eleventh on a list of 112, huh? Excuse me, I've got some er stuff to take care of.