SAY WHAT?

• Scotish teens sentenced for stealing skull.


• Er, am I the only one who thinks there's something dodgy about this plan?

  "A short-staffed prison in Mexico has hired 42 of its most fearsome inmates to act as guards."



• Outrage in Japan over serial rapist's light sentence.

*

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

How many times do I have to warn y'all about exercising patience?

"A man who robbed a bank in California was arrested after going to a nearby bar to count his loot."

*

FOR SALE - 1 bunker

Still available is 1 abandoned Hells Angels bunker complete with "One-tonne steel doors, armour-plated windows and an inground pool".

*

NON-BREAKING NEWS...

And now for an update on the state of affairs in Iraq from the Coalition Provisional Authority:-

"For security reasons, there are no security reports."

*

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM

Soccer boss threatens team with classical concert should they lose.

posted by dorna! @ 12:08 am

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM

Judge sentences embezzler to charity sky jumps.

*

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

Tip:

It's generally not a good idea to write "rob bank" on your to-do lists.

*

TALES OF THE MACABRE

Teenager draws 50 year sentence for trying to kill woman in order to have sex with her corpse.
Robbins, at age 15, listed as New Year's resolutions goals such as tasting human flesh and getting a driver's license "so I can do those horrible things people like to read about in the paper."

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Blogjam's random kitten generator

posted by dorna! @ 12:35 pm

SAY WHAT?

• Japanese trio abandon baby then commit suicide.


• Whoops! Yahoo Japan gets 100 million orders for USD25 computer.


• Teacher orders school girl tossed out of classroom window.


• Dutch artist creates protest piece out of her own skin.

*

REASONS TO DIVORCE YOUR PARENTS

1. They named you "Vito Terribile Wiel Marin".

*

SOAPBOX


The history of message boards according to Toothpaste For Dinner.

*

DOH!

Security guards duped out of USD263,000.

"ROBBERS distracted three Malaysian security guards by throwing a handful of bank notes on the ground, then ran off with a bag of cash containing 1 million ringgit when the guards stooped to pick them up..."

*

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"We are not a bunch of godless communists. We just want to get some work done."

Mayor Robert Henrickson of East Nassau, New York, explaining why village officials are taking a pass on the Pledge of Allegiance.

posted by dorna! @ 12:02 am

SOAPBOX

This Blog has taken the World's Smallest Political Quiz and been typed.

Left-Liberals prefer self-government in personal matters and central decision-making on economics. They want government to serve the disadvantaged in the name of fairness. Leftists tolerate social diversity, but work for economic equality.

So I guess that makes me a commie pinko.

*

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Question:

How comfortable can it be,
To do the nasty up a tree?

"Two gay lovers took off most of their clothes, climbed up a tree in New York's Central Park and spent four hours engaging in sex acts and yelling abuse at police and firefighters."

*
FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK

Attention foot fetishists! Careful how you get your fix. California man charged with sexual battery.

"Scheremeta offered several women a chance to participate in a foot survey. Scheremeta told the victims to look away during a foot massage after which he allegedly rubbed his crotch against their feet."

*
TALES OF THE MACABRE

Tamale chef busted simmering remains of drinking buddy.

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Photography by Andrew Penn

posted by dorna! @ 12:00 am

STUPID CRIMINAL FILES

Tip - If you're dumb enough to get busted with 67kg of coke hidden in a chicken coop at least have the good sense to hire a lawyer who can do better than this:-

“The drugs were in the possession of a rooster and two hens and the law is very clear that whoever is in possession of the drugs is the one who should be accused.”

*

GENERAL COOLNESS

Sanford Ponder - "If we must live in a world in which people are forced to live in cardboard boxes, then someone should at least invent a better box."

Starting at USD$750 and constructed out of laminated paperboard, icopods provide excellent temporary housing.

*

FASHION VICTIMS

Ghetto fab hairdos...



*

TRAVEL ALERT

When visiting Malaysia; keep yer hands to yerself! Couple charged with indecent behaviour for holding hands in public.

*

CLICKEZ ICI

Put more words in Dubya's mouth with bushSpeak.

posted by dorna! @ 12:00 am

MURALI MUST CHUCK THE DOOSRA

The International Cricket Council has effectively outlawed Sri Lankan Muttiah Muralitharan's much maligned doosra delivery.

"...confirming that they are not about to increase the permitted five-degree tolerance level for spin bowlers to accommodate Muralitharan, and warned that he risks being reported and possibly banned if he continues to use the delivery."

Heh, now things really get interesting.


SAY WHAT?

Talk about cojones.

"A WOMAN posing as a military officer conned her way onto a British airforce base and lived there undetected for five months, even running up a large bar bill, a report said."

GENERAL SILLINESS

Memory aides by Dribbleglass.com





CRINGE WORTHY

Presenting the worst songs ever, according to Blender magazine; starting with the incomprehensible "We Built This city":-

1. We Built This City - Starship, 1985


2. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus, 1992


3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung, 1986


4. Rollin' - Limpbizkit, 2000


5. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice, 1990


6. The Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & The News, 1984


7. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin, 1988


8. Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy, 1985


9. American Life - Madonna, 2003


10. Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, 1982

I admit to thoroughly enjoying at least 2 songs on that list, and getting smacked in the head over a third.



CLICKEZ ICI



Create your own South Park character. (Link by way of the green ape)

posted by dorna! @ 12:01 am

SOAPBOX

Why Mobile Phones are Annoying

Bystanders rated mobile-phone conversations as dramatically more noticeable, intrusive, and annoying than conversations conducted face-to-face. While volume was an issue, hearing only half a discussion also seemed to up the irritation factor.

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Economists in the US and Britain have worked out the financial value of a good sex life - £30 000, or close on R350 000, a year.

Humph. I'd say, I've got money coming to me, and if I were the least bit litigious I'd be calling my lawyers right now.



GENERAL SILLINESS

This dog's gonna have issues.



Y'all know I dig my furry friends as much as the next chick; but perhaps some of us animal lovers are, erm how to put this diplomatically, losing our freaking minds?



WORDS TO LIVE BY...

Albert Einstein - "When I was young, I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock. So I stopped wearing socks."

CLICKEZ ICI

posted by dorna! @ 7:51 am

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Stop the presses!

"men and women have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire...The brain is the crucial sexual organ in a woman,"

So many eggheads, so few smarts.



WOW!

Sometimes even Mother Nature gets a little bored and feels the urge to 'just try something new'.



Four week old white zebra baffles park rangers.



GENERAL COOLNESS

Bye bye injections?

BioMed Central - "The technique, called microscission, uses a stream of gas to bombard small areas of the skin with tiny crystals of inert aluminium oxide. The sharp particles remove the rough surface-layer of the skin, and create tiny holes, known as microconduits, in the underlying layers of the skin. The crystals and loosened skin are taken away with the gas flow. The whole process takes less than 20 seconds."

GENERAL SILLINESS

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	The Bankruptcy Lawyer
Super Power	Incredible Stamina
Enemy	The Cheating Boyfriend
Mode Of Transportation	City Bus
Weapon	Vinyl Records
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

A lawyer!? Evil meme...



CLICKEZ ICI

Can you tell the difference between Dubya-babble and Quayle-prattle? Who said this?

"The Civil War was the best war we've ever had because when you're fighting with yourself, you're always going to win."

Take the DubyaSpeak quiz. It's harder than you think.

posted by dorna! @ 12:00 am

SOAPBOX

You know the world is coming to an end when Khadafi starts making sense.

"Saddam's fall has not brought terrorism to an end...Far from it; it has found a bigger opportunity to flourish...The Al-Qaeda network did not exist before in Iraq, and now it is there, along with the renegades..."

OH BOY...

You might have a problem, or two, if your resumé reads like this:

Education: B.S., ECON., 1952, U. OF PA., Philadelphia, PA.
LL.B., 1955. Yale Law School, New Haven, CT.

Experience: 1955-1970, lawyer, Dallas, Texas.

Reason for Leaving: Unlawful interference by the FBI.

Health: I suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of unlawful harassment by the FBI. Where ever I go the local politicians and police work with the FBI to harass me. In essence, all levels of government operate like Washington.

NOOKY HANDBOOK

Squirrels gone wild:


Click pic to see larger, non-blog 14 image.

THIS BLOG HAS CONVERTED!

The 10 Email Directives by way of theUniversal Church of the Interactive Network

1. Thou shalt not spam


2. Thou shalt not believe everything on thy screen


3. Thou shalt be wary of the urban myth


4. Thou shalt use thy spellchecker


5. Thou shalt think before thou sends


6. Thou shalt not burden thy brother with superfluous attachments


7. Thou shalt be prompt


8. Thou shalt exercise brevity of text


9. Thou shalt exercise restraint in the use of emoticons, for they are the most holy of textual expressions


10. Thou shalt learn and use universally acceptable acronyms, as all others are an abomination

CLICKEZ ICI

Revenge without the jail time - Instant Voodoo

posted by dorna! @ 12:02 am

REVAMP - 5th circle of hell...


What's the matter with you people?





Why didn't y'all tell me the page looks monumentally odd in Mozilla? You're all fired! Yeah that's right - all 5 of you!

It's a crying shame that CSS, designed to be so simple and approachable to nonprogrammers, has turned into such a cabalist's affair!
—Todd Fahrner

You said it brother...(sighing melodramatically)

posted by dorna! @ 11:04 am

UPDATE - Laporte returns to TechTV


All hail the power of bitching!

I'm very pleased to say that thanks to your overwhelming show of support and to a strong desire on both our parts to come to an agreement, TechTV has improved its offer and I've decided to climb back aboard the good ship Call for Help.

FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:


Alternative breakup techniques...

Girls Are Pretty - "The last guy who broke up with you brought a dozen donuts with him when he did it. He was good enough to come to your apartment to do it, and he called ahead to let you know by his tone that he was coming over to do it, which is cool."

My, how civilised. That went a good deal better than the last time this Blog got dumped.





SOAPBOX


On the subject of the Bush Administration's war on pornography; this Blog presents, John Ashcroft In Porn -


John Ashcroft Mosaic comprised of wee nekid ladies as swiped from Hublog





GENERAL SILLINESS


Gene Ray on reactions to his Theory Of Everything and the Time Cube:

"My wisdom so antiquates known knowledge, that a psychiatrist examining my behavior, eccentric by his academic single corner knowledge, knows no course other than to judge me schizoprenic. In today's society of greed, men of word illusion are elected to lead and wise men are condemned. You must establish a Chair of Wisdom to empower Wise Men over the stupid intelligentsia, or perish."

Oh and, PS, math is fiction.





WORDS TO LIVE BY

It's Not RealEzy - "When life gives you lemons, place a slice of peel into your glass of Vodka and hope it goes away."

CLICKEZ ICI


The Donuts Hate You...(Odd that, 'cause I love them.)

posted by dorna! @ 12:04 am

NOOKY HANDBOOK


Is Sex Necessary?

"The best that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it?s harmless when practiced in moderation. Having regular and enthusiastic sex, by contrast, confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you male or female."

Humph, good to know.





FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:

"When a male successfully attracts the attention of a nearby female, she will flick her wings as he finishes his song. A courtship dance ensues, with the male continuing to sing up until the physical act of copulation.

Shortly after mating, the male usually keels over and dies."

'TIL DEATH DO US PART...


...and it will be sooner than you think if you erase my mp3 collection. Woman beats boyfriend to death with iPod.





GENERAL SILLINESS


Not only is Subservient Chicken mania sweeping the net, someone's actually compiled lists of what the 'bird' will or won't do.

• Will Do
  pee on couch * riverdance * get some dignity (angers chicken) * macarena * shake your tailfeather * self flagellate


• Will do, sort of
  flip me off * masturbate * get naked * tear the place up * tear off chicken feathers * compute


• Won't do
  break things * do complex mathmatics * wardrobe malfunction (sfsdfd) * make the sign of the Golden Arches (makes chicken angry) * eat a big mac (makes gagging motion) * Bark at the Moon (Chicken moons you)

CLICKEZ ICI


George says...

posted by dorna! @ 12:05 am

SAY WHAT?

• Japanese grannie slashes 8 year old for being a slow eater.


• Mesry the pachyderm gets treatment for depression.


• Thirteen year old Aussie gets go ahead for sex change.


• Smeared Muslim Army Chaplain Capt. James Yee cleared of all charges. Can we say 'Richard Jewel'?
  

SOAPBOX

Simon Cowell:"This is what happens when you leave the decision up to America."

Okay, granted Simon (psst, I still available) Cowell wasn't referring to Bush, but the principle applies. For more Cowell bon mots, CLICKEZ ICI.





'TIL DEATH DO US PART...


...especially if I mistakenly pump 4 bullets into you.





NOOKY HANDBOOK - Helpful Hints


10 Steps to Caring Dominance

Excerpt (No I'm not going to put the whole thing here. This Blog is a nice blog, besides, this Blog's mother knows the URL)-

1. Understand your relationship with your bottom.


2. Discover your bottom's needs.


3. Discover your needs with your bottom.


4. Establish boundaries with your submissive.


5. Understand the difference between dominance and control.

CLICKEZ ICI


Simon Tyszko?s Suicide Bomber Barbie:

"Suicide Bomber Barbie" conflates Western commodification with Palestinian desperation. Religious and capitalist dogmas struggle within Barbie?s idealised form, in an artwork of potent incongruity."

Uh - right. What they said.

posted by dorna! @ 12:00 am

THE BRITISH INVASION


West Indies v England (The Wisden Trophy, 2003/04, 4th Test)
Antigua Recreation Ground, St John's, Antigua
10-14 April 2004

• Result: Match Drawn


• Series: England wins the 4-Test series 3-0


• Man of the Match: BC Lara


• Man of the Series: SJ Harmison

STUPID CRIMINALS FILES - Helpful Hints

"Just how do we remember a face? The upper part of the face seems to be more important for recognition than the lower part. The hair turns out to be the most important factor, followed by the eyes, then the nose, and then to a lesser extent, the mouth and chin. If you're going to rob a bank, wear a wig, and don't bother with the fake beard."

NOOKY HANDBOOK - Helpful Hints


Being an exhibitionist isn't always fun. There's always the possiblity of an unsuspecting flasher getting whacked in the noggin by a purse wielding grandma. For an assault-free way of getting your freak on, try Reflectoporn! (Thanks Doobie)

"Sellers on eBay have taken to surreptitiously taking photos of themselves relected naked in the surface of whatever trinket they've put up for auction."

FROM THE GENDER RELATIONS DESK:


A Scientific Approach to Understanding My Girlfriend's Role in the Overall Degradation of My Life's Quality:

1. Principle of Decreasing Video Game Ability: It’s a well known fact that girlfriends are excessively needy and insist on having 100% of your attention directed towards them at all times. Any sort of activity where the boyfriend has a chance to relax or relieve stress is strictly forbidden as it interferes with the girlfriend’s agenda ... In fact, the exact level of my decreasing ability can be modeled mathematically to an accurate degree. The number of hours I spend with my girlfriend (t) has a direct-negative affect on my game playing abilities (a).

CLICKEZ ICI


Naoto Hattori

posted by dorna! @ 12:11 am